Sunny Side of the Street

So. I've done my 100 happy days. And really it hasn't always been that easy. Sometimes the only thing that made me feel happy was going to bed. Other times a smile of conspiracy across a room was enough to make my day one of rainbows and unicorns.

Most of my posts have had to do with people - and mixing this with food and drink increases the silver lining. Jacob also makes me happy. I have him on the partition between mine and a colleague's desk so I see Jacob all the time. It is always the little things... And I will keep reminding myself every day to look for something.

Most of all though I'm happy that I am me.  I can do anything and I'm not afraid of anything or anyone. Strong, resilient, stubborn, witty, intelligent and generally amazing with incredible shoes and dresses. And, I've been told, striking and charismatic. A M A Z I N G.

A lot of things has happened that has made me happy this last week too. But I've done my official 100 days so I will keep these things - like walking through my old home town and the incredible sense of belonging and clarity that gave me, the happiness of spending time with old friends, my aunt (love my mo(n)ster!), cousins, brother, Mom, the little kiss, the cocktails and the blue sky, sunshine, cognac, freedom, talking to Cinna and finally getting a tiny idea of what I need to change in my life -to myself.

But this one, this one I will share.

Stockholmsnatt

Day 100

Sunshine, food, wine, home, home, home, a saw, the right people. Perfect life.

Day 99

Spent the afternoon and evening with my beautiful (inside and out) friend Sara.

Day 98

Re-read chapter 3 & 4 for the first time since putting them to bed on the plane while drinking a little too much wine - very happy with them both.

Incoming at sunset.

Missing days

I went travelling which is why I missed the last few days of the 100. So here comes the catch up.

Day 97

Wow... Weird day to say the least. I have been told there is no woman like me, called exquisite and bunch of other flattering adjectives. Although the circumstances and situation was one which will go down in the history books as strange even for my life, it did lift the suffocating, stifling boredom for a few moments.

Day 96

Gift from a friend to prepare me for my second novel waiting inside the door on the floor when I arrived home.

Also, only another four days left of this...

Day 95

My friend turning to me to moan. I know that might not seem like a "happy" thing but it makes me happy that she comes to me with her stuff. Also 25 minutes alone in the sun with a book at lunchtime - bliss.

Day 94

Time to sleep.

Day 93

Oh were to start?

A day out with some of my girls. A new laptop. Flirting. Flirting. And then some more flirting. Hysterical laughing. And some flirting. Bubbly, cocktails, wine. Food. What's there not to be happy about?

Day 92

Two hour workout.
Catch-up over dinner with friend.

Day 91

This is Jacob. He's a fierce, dangerous shark who lives in a puddle which is two inches deep. He just ate a professor, which is why his teeth are bloody, and had an allergic reaction, which is why he's covered in pink and purple spots. I did this as I came in to work this morning. It made me happy.

Day 90

Day 89

Impromptu drinks. New friend. Sunshine and heat. Fantastic ideas for next novel. Excited to start writing. Planning of potential trip to NY.

Still missing my previous almost constant companion. So sad that he is disappearing into the past (counting the days even). I want to text him; ask him if he wants to do this and that, see this play, go there for a drink - but it's no longer possible. Hopeful the missing and sad will soon subside and a replacement of the same value/calibre (entertainment/intellectual/connection) will appear from somewhere.

But at least this doesn't discolour my other happy moments completely. And there is happiness in the bitter sweetness of the moments that are no more.

Day 88

Lunch in the sun.
A little unexpected flirting.
Running into one of my favorite Greek boys as I dragged my feet home.

Day 87

Pret's yogurt covered cranberries. And that I could cheer up a friend in need of some cheering. And that I get to go lie on my bed for the rest of the evening and read a book.

Day 86

More sunshine. Returning home. Rain.

Day 85

West Country. Sunshine. Ice cream. Food. People. Countryside. Gin.

Day 84

Day off. Meeting an old friend for lunch. Getting out of town.

Day 83

Lunch with UP. Dinner with Sara and her mom.

Day 82

Cold latte and Canadian biscuits.

Day 81

Hearing someone's voice. And someone's laughter in response to my sarcastic joke.

Day 80

Fuck knows. The fact that I have almost finished these bastards minutes?

Day 79

(Forgot to post yesterday.)

A long chat with my BoS.

Day 78

Not very exciting happiness today but I have finally made the decision to put my flat back on the market and just the small act of making a decision, one way or the other, has made me happy.

Day 77

So, despite all, maybe I am (still) a tiny bit in love. Because you can't "hate" (get so annoyed with) someone so much without there being a little speck of love somewhere. And yes, that makes me a little happy, to be a little in love (still). I don't want anything else, don't want anything to actually happen. Because then what I'm feeling, and our relationship, would have to change. And I don't want that. I want to be in love with him in silence.

Also, saw my Brother-Of-Sorts = Happy.

Day 76

Today I'm a little sad that someone who for 7-8 months was so firmly in the middle of my life is no longer a part of it. I have enjoyed having this person as a constant. Sure, for a moment I allowed myself to be seduced by the possibility and think I was half in love with him, but that was my head's response to other issues and it was quickly straightened out. 

But he has continued to disappoint me, and particularly so since March. We've had some nice days. Still, as soon as our time together is over he's out of my life and I don't hear from him until I make contact next. It is clear we don't have the same view of our friendship - I thought we were real friends; he clearly doesn't. That makes me sad too. 

So, despite being a little sad my happy today comes from the fact that he is no longer a part of my life and I don't care any more. 

Guess I have to find a new drinking buddy now though as without him by my side, my visits to the pub has reduced from once a week to once a month. And that is something that doesn't make me happy.  

Day 75

Nu jävlar. I'm declaring war. From now on I will starve and over-exercise my body back into the size it's supposed to be. Back into my clothes. I don't care if I die on the way there. This decision makes me very happy.

Day 74

I started reading a new book which is very good so far. That is all.

Day 73

I resisted the temptation.

Day 72

Sent off the entire novel to friend for feedback. Nine days on still can't quite get over that I've actually written a novel. The temptation to just dump it at times was overwhelming but so glad, so happy, I stuck with it. Whatever happens next, with the novel and in general, this is a massive achievement, a great milestone, something to be proud of. It makes me happy.

Day 71

Visiting friends in their new amazing house.

Day 70

Day 69

I'm happy with my decision to remove a certain person from my life. More persons to follow. And also, happy to be home!

Day 68

Colleague took me out for bubbles and dinner

Day 67

Friends

Day 66

I have written a novel.

Day 65

The entire world has pissed me off today and I never have to see my friends (pretty much all but one) again I'd be quite happy, but if I have to pick one thing I at least don't hate I guess this

Day 64

Day 63

Been writing all day. Still going. Happy because a) I'm writing and b) I'm writing.

Day 62

A smile.

Day 61

A wonderful text message from a friend made me very happy. Apart from that today has been totally meh. But it is the little things...!

Day 60

Writing.
Shakespeare's Globe for Tony & Cleo with one of my favorite people in the entire world.
Coffee and cake after with the same person.
And now more writing.
Happy times.

Day 59

Amazing afternoon/evening writing when I finally got around to it.

Day 58

I figured out chapter 14.

Day 57

New friends.

Day 56

Impromptu invite to see Liam Ó Maonlaí at the London Irish Centre. 

Day 55

Today nothing specific really. Just generally happy about how life is put together at the moment. I'm working out every day. And I'm working a lot but it feels a little rewarding right now, I have new friends in my life. And someone who is no longer really new but it's making me happy that he is so firmly a part of my life now. And yes, I have new shoes. I don't feel worried or stress like so often do. I don't feel obsessed.

Come what may.

Day 54

Glitter crayons.

Day 53

Another good writing day. And I threw out some more stuff. Still a lot to go, and some of sentimental value that I keep moving from one place to another in the apartment and which ultimately may not end up in the bin, but as long as most of it goes that's fine and it doesn't all have to be done in one day. And now I deserve watching Jaws - which makes me happy (both being deserving and watching it)!

Show me the way to go home!

Day 52

After weeks of not finding the energy or motivation, I'm finally back in my writing!

Day 51

Friday 13th - my favorite day. And my two favorite Greek boys took me out for belated birthday gin in the sunshine. ♡

Day 50

Sunshine. First outing for new dress, shoes and hat.And gin in the company of one of my favorite people.

Day 49

Friends.

Day 48

My wonderful mother.

Day 47

My pink polka dot shoes, which I've had for three years, is the only happy thing today.

Day 46

A glorious sunny day in the park with cake and a good friend to celebrate our birthdays. 

Day 45

Talked to my BFF in NYC. We're both totally stressing out over aspects of our lives right now but nothing ever feels so bad after a conversation with her.

Day 44

An iced skinny latte and 25 minutes in sunshine lunch time. Il était magnifique.

Day 43

Nothing really stands out but I feel happy that I managed to get a big chunk of work done, had a lovely lunch with friends, have a new colleague I really like, am going to see a flat in a few days and am generally bless. And a pair of new shoes had their first outing and looked remarkably pretty.

Day 42

Skull Tights

Day 41

The little things:

• I've cleaned and tidied my flat
• I've asked about where I can recycle my old DVD player
• I've finally hand washed the two dresses
• I've changed the color on my toenails
• I'm really good at strategic stuff at work and people listen to me and take my lead about what to do - never ceases to surprise me
• And I'm okay about not going to the gym

Day 40

Game of Thrones!
And also, yummy dinner with friends :)
And a workout this morning before work.
All round good stuff.

Day 39

Lovely day with a fabulous friend lunching, drinking and shopping. By accident I arrived home with a pair of shoes and three dresses. Oh and I pair of socks. Oops...

Bad girl!

Day 38

I've started the long road to "recovery" again but this time managed not to take a detour.

Day 37

Blackberries and Vanilla Yogurt. That. Is. All.

Day 36

Day 35

It was  my birthday yesterday. That didn't make me particularly happy and, anyway, I did the birthday stuff over the weekend. But found a card from mom inside the door now after another 13 hour day at work. That made me happy.

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Day 34

The X-man - I adore him...

Alkaline Trio! (pre Agony and Irony)

Day 33

A slap in the face after Saturday and Sunday but talked to my best friend so that brightened up this otherwise shitty rainy day.

Day 32

Matisse at Tate Modern,  a walk across the Heath, sunshine fantastic lunch, tea and cake (well coffee), Titus Andronicus at Shakespeare's Globe with wine and great company -  101st birthday celebration has been happy.

Day 31

Pre-birthday lunch with my lovely friends - amazing day.

Day 30

Nothing has made me bubble and feel weightless, but there has been pizza, pear cider, conference. And iMessage because now V.S. and I can text excessively.

Day 29

What started as a reasonable day quickly turned into a fucking piece of shit day and it's not over yet. But in this pile of crap is one person whose existence always makes me feel better so I will concentrate on his smile as at least that was there to make me happy for a short time this morning.

Day 28

                      My new shoes arrived!

Day 27

Finally, postponed Christmas drinks. (Which were enlightening given that I can't remember much of our last encounter due to the amount of pre-Christmas drinks I had enjoyed and now I found out exactly how those drinks went down. Luckily I'm so damn witty and entertaining even when I'm suffering from alcohol poisoning so my level of intoxication was not a problem. And, anyway, anything that happened in December has now passed the statute of limitations so there is no need for embarrassment or to cringe. So I did what I do so well - I shrugged.) I had really been looking forward to this and it did not disappoint...

Day 26

Drinks with one of my Greeks. The Philosophical One, who ones set me on the journey to Ithaca. Now we also have the Barbarians. He is amazing. Talking to him this evening has opened up avenues in my mind. Having people like him in my life not only makes me happy but also fortunate.

Also, I bought shoes! :)

Day 25

            Writing & Sunshine

         And cool shades.

Day 24

Happy that I've almost finished my novel so I can get me life back, even if it's just temporary.

Day 23

(belated) - drinks with someone I haven't seen for ages, GIN, finished a chapter.  Blood fantastic.

Day 22

Conference in York on Good Practice in Research Ethics. Bloody long day but rewarding. It was interesting, met some wonderful people (one woman in particular) and I clearly said smart things as someone asked me if I'd come and give a presentation at their institution. Also did some work on a chapter both there and back. Perfect day. And to end it, I'm taking Back to Future to bed.

Day 21

I wore one of my summer dress for the first time this year! YAY! :)

Day 20

Got out of work on time for the first time in weeks, which meant time for a run and some writing.

Day 19

A View from the Bridge at the Young Vic - A. Maz. Ing.

Day 18

 

Day 17

To be honest, it's really difficult to find something that makes you happy every day - a lot harder than I thought. See, I have this idea about how happiness feels. It's not an uncommon feeling for me at all, it happens all the time. But not every day. So when I think about something that has made me happy, I associate with that feeling and search my day and come up with zero.

This is day 17 and from my posts so far only one came with that lightness and inner buzz that for me is happiness.

This exercise is more like thinking about things that didn't suck or I'm grateful for, for whatever reason. And it's kind of pointless so I'm contemplating ditching it.

But today I'm "happy" that at at least managed to get almost all the writing done I set out this morning.

*NB I forgot to post this yesterday.

Day 16

I've hated today all day so I'm happy it's almost over. Fuck you, Today.

Day 15

Fun writing session and dinner with friends.

Oh and some more GoT!

Day 14

Day 13

Lunch with a bunch of great people and, actually, being back at work after 6 days of almost complete solitude.

Day 12

Hilarious texts from the Unruly Prof.

Day 11

Brunch & Old Fashioned                                            Writing by skulls & candlelight

Day 10

Sunshine, blue sky, running, writing - these are a few of my happy things.

And the fact that when my laptop crashed this afternoon it didn't actually die as I first feared, and when it eventually restarted all the work I'd done this morning could be recovered.

Day 9

This is a struggle. Had crap writing day although I have figured out exactly what's next and am really excited about it, so now all I have to do is write the last chapters - only another a week or so if I work hard. But I couldn't. Just couldn't find the voice or the stride. In hindsight, I should have taken the day off as going from rewrites and editing to writing the final chapters requires a change of mindset.

I bought a tiny bottle of champagne on Wednesday to have ready for when I have written those final words - over priced and all. But as I wasn't going to get to my word count anyway, I decided to celebrate that , and be happy because, I now know exactly how this goes, the end of my first novel!

Day 8

I didn't have to go to work. 

That's all.

Day 7

Oh today is almost over so I'd better think about what's made me happy today. Well, I'm off work to write - that makes me happy. I've put two more chapter edits to bed - that makes me happy. But what makes me the most happy is that although I'm absolutely exhausted I'm still working because I am going to finish the rewrite of chapter 12 today so I can spend the next five days concentrating on writing the final two chapters.

So today I'm making myself happy with my determination.

Day 6

A stolen hour with coffee and a sneaky smoke in the square with my Greek brother-of-sorts.

I didn't realize how much I've missed him until I saw him today. I've missed our flirtation which is so safe because it means nothing - it's just obnoxious and sarcastic. I've missed how he looks out for me in a bossy way, always telling me what I should do and not to, how to behave and not. I love how I can say anything to him - be totally honest and he gets it. And I love that I can take the piss, completely, and he knows. No second guessing if there are hidden meanings.

We trade insults with love.

Day 5

Best friends

Day 4

I've finally finished all the big rewrites./edits (chapters 1-6 had to be gutted and it's so boring not to mention difficult). Exhausted after working all weekend. But happily so. And I love how I forget all about time when I get into my writing. Clearly, even when it's hard work, writing makes me happy.

Day 3

My old, trusted, battered, taped up notebook I bought in November 2012 which has been with me for the journey of this novel and now is beginning to be the vessel for novel #2 as well as a bunch of short stories. And just for collecting ideas, words, sentences and things generally.  It said "write" on it when I bought it so I immediately had to add the "DRUNK". Obviously.

Day 2

Today is a Happy Day generally but my favorite Happy so far is when I remembered while listening to a song how much I love someone and how wonderful it is to love someone without wanting something back from that person - just grateful for what we have, and for meeting him at all and for having him in my life, even though he's in another country and I rarely see/talk to him.

Lyrics:
Even tomorrow in other arms
My heart will stay yours until I die

Well, in this case part of my heart - it's not all his. Not anymore. And that also makes me happy.

Which makes me think about this quote below, a situation which makes me happy too. But sad happy, but still happy because happiness - and today I'm specifically thinking about happiness connected to love in some way - isn't just found in getting the one you love but also to be lucky enough to love at all - both to be able to but to find someone at all to love, how great is that:

"I choose to love you in silence, because in silence I find no rejection, and in silence no one owns you but me."

Sometimes that's enough. 

Day 1

(Trying again after yesterday's - what I felt - false start,)

Salmon, asparagus and broccoli for lunch - yum!
First run for a week - bliss!
A new PC at work so no more waiting for years while it's being incompetent and slow, and I also like my new wallpaper:

Aaaaand, starting to plan trip to meet Alex in Vienna!

100 happy days

I am so bored with all the moaning; all the moaning I do, all the moaning everyone else does. You run into a colleague in the corridor, meet a friend for a drink, receive/respond to an email and all you get/give is I'm so tired, so busy, so and so is annoying me blah blah blah - you know what I mean.

Moaning has its uses - I had a great session this morning where we went through work, the use of the word "like" etc. So I'm not saying I am going to stop - absolutely not! But there must be something else to it - to life, to now. There must be something, however small, to be happy about every day.

So, I've decided to try the challenge to be happy for 100 consecutive days (info here 100 happy days). But because I'm nice and don't want to spam Facebook or Instagram and bore you people so you have to moan about my posts I'm going to do my own version and blog instead - it might be a photo, or a short blog, or maybe just a word. (Starting Tuesday April 22 as I won't have much internet access for a few days.)

This is the only mention of this blog so if you want to follow my 100 happy days take down this url now.

That's all folks. Carry on.